


May the Angels Lead You In

by Bates



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, AU, Angst, Dean/Lisa - Freeform, Engaged, M/M, ben braeden - Freeform, missing Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-14
Updated: 2014-11-14
Packaged: 2018-02-25 09:10:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2616302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bates/pseuds/Bates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam Winchester disappeared, but Gabriel can't give up hope, even though it would be damn easy if he could.</p>
            </blockquote>





	May the Angels Lead You In

**Author's Note:**

> You can also read this fic on [Livejournal](http://youaregonecas.livejournal.com/3496.html)

“Alone. Yes, that’s the key word, the most awful word in the English tongue. Murder doesn’t hold a candle to it and hell is only a poor synonym.” Stephen King

 

For a reason Gabriel did not care about, the cupboards and fridge were empty. The only thing edible in the house was a pack of crackers and some instant soup, which really wasn’t that appealing. Not that he would eat anything else if he had it in the house, it all just didn’t look appealing, not anymore. The house was too silent now, the hallways not at all like they had been before. The clatter of forks and knives was too loud now that there was no cheerful chatter to fill the house. It was unfair. So damn unfair.

He didn't even believe it, not at all. Even though he was cleaning out the house, stacking away the boxes of Sam's stuff, their stuff, in the attic for now. He couldn’t bear putting them away, not yet. The memory was still fresh in his memory, Sam’s smile, the way his hair sometimes curled when the humidity in the air was high.

For years, he had clung on to that last little sparkle of hope. He hadn’t been found; there was no body. It could still be that Sam was alive, that he was just unable to come back. That he had been kidnapped or that he had been injured. Even as weeks passed and the smile stayed gone, there was still that little spark.

The little spark was still there at Christmas, when he sent out their Christmas cards, signed both Sam and Gabriel. Sam would be mad when he came home if he wasn’t included.

New Year’s Eve made it official; 90 days and no sign of him. And the counter didn’t stop. One hundred days, a hundred and twenty. February came around, March did. The house stayed silent.

 

In April, the officers officially said that there was nothing else that they could do. They had looked everywhere, even spread flyers across the border. If Sam was there, he didn’t want to be found. Gabriel went back to work full-time and nobody spoke of Sam again.

It made his heart ache, knowing that Sam was slowly being forgotten. Mary and John still called him every few weeks, to see if there may be something new there, new information, but the answer was always the same. The phone stayed silent.

Dean and Lisa came by every fortnight with Ben, Benjamin Samuel Winchester. Gabriel couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness in his heart as he played with the practically newborn baby, thinking that Sam would love him. It was would now, not will or loves. Even his mind had accepted the fact that Sam may never come back. Ben was a sign that life moved on and that maybe waiting for Sam wasn’t worth it.

He pushed those thoughts away as deep as he could.

 

It was another one of those nights now, now that little Ben was four months old, biting on everything that he could find in his reach, that it hit him like a train. How it was all suddenly worth so much less.

“You’re not wearing your ring anymore.” The night had been calm, the three of them first eating and then drinking a glass of wine since no one was driving anyway. “Is that, new?”

“No.” He was too tired for complete sentences. Too damn tired. He didn't know what it was lately that had him so tired. "It's nothing new. I haven't worn the ring in ages." If Dean was hurt by this, he ignored it as he rocked Ben back and forth, trying to get him to sleep. "It was nothing anyway. A promise that we would get married one day."

"He'll come back."

"I'm not so sure, Lis, not anymore." It hurt him to say it, to say the damn words. "I'm not sure if I will see him again, I am starting to think that maybe, I'll never see him again."

"Don't be like that. He can hardly disappear from the surface off the earth. One day, he'll be back." The unspoken words of even if it is his body that we find and not a living and breathing Sam, hung in the air like electricity. "He will be back, I know Sam."

"It hurts too much."

 

That night, he let Lisa and Dean sleep in the master bedroom. He himself crawled on the pull-out couch in the living room, where he had slept all along. Ever since he disappeared, it just felt -wrong-. Gabe couldn't sleep in that bed alone, not when they had made love there, when Sam had proposed right there, with that stupid, adorable smile on his lips and the promise of a happy life between the two of them.

The room held too many good and bad memories for the two of them. The bed on its own gave him nightmares, if he even slept. He rarely did. It was such a goddamn horror show lately. The bags under his eyes told the story of his nightmares. Not that he really slept anymore. He didn't feel like sleeping. There was always enough sadness and memories there to keep him up, between cups of coffee.

There was nobody else for him. Nobody could compare to Sammy, Sammy with the beautiful hair and eyes, with the tattoo on his chest that he still didn't want to talk about, even though they had been a thing for over five years now. Sammy that took charge in the bedroom, whispering dirty things in his ear and sending him text messages about what he would do to him that night even though Gabe was at work. Sam, who was a god in bed.

Sam, Sammy, Sammish, Sasquatch. The person he missed more than he ever thought he could miss somebody. It was almost, if Gabe had to use a cliché, as if his heart had been ripped out of his chest.

Morning came later than usual. Gabriel awoke feeling completely out of place, the slight hope building up inside him when he heard somebody come down the stairs. It was Dean, one of the last people that he actually wanted to see in the morning. Sometimes, Dean made the grief worse.

Just being there, being so much like Sam. He would smile the same way, or walk around and use the same way of walking as Sammy. Dean and his endless supply of plaid, an addiction shared by his brother.

Gabe had started sleeping in and wearing Sam's shirts. It was the only way that he could actually have him near, actually have Sam with him, even if it was just that once and would be gone before he knew it.

"You know, Sam will love Ben when he comes back," Dean said over a sober breakfast. Lisa was still sleeping after a rough night with Ben, so it was just the two of them. Two lonely souls. "And he might smack me in the head for naming him Ben Samuel."

"Sam would do more than smack you in the head." He couldn't help the little laugh that rolled over his lips. "He would be so angry that he'd teach Benny over there all kinds of things that you don't like, or find annoying." There it was again, the would and he'd. It wasn't even that he did it on purpose, it just slipped out. “You know, In French, people don’t say that they miss somebody. They don’t say ‘I miss you’, they say ‘tu me manqué’.” Gabriel had heard that somewhere, though he didn’t know where. Dean looked about one hundred percent done with him. “If you translate it, it says, you are missing from me. Sammy me manqué.” It sounded pathetic. Incredibly pathetic. “Sorry.”

"My brother is not dead Gabe. He can't be. And don’t use one of Sammy’s smart books quotes." Dean left the room, not exactly with slamming doors but something that was pretty damn close.

 

April ended; June and July passed. Even September did. He didn't know how he was still alive or how he hadn't passed out yet, but somehow, he’d survived. People around him were getting worried about him, Gabe knew that. But how do you explain to people that you don't eat or sleep because you can't, because your missing and probably dead fiancé is everywhere in your thoughts.

They didn't understand, rarely did. He tried once or twice, but all it got him were funny looks and the rolling of eyes. It was the last thing that he needed.

On the morning of the day marking a year since Sam disappeared off the face of the earth, Gabriel was called awake at one AM. He was on the verge of yelling and saying that the person calling had better hurry up with what he had to say or he would stab an eye out.

"Hello? Is this Gabriel?" The voice sounded familiar. Charlie. "Gabriel Milton? Hello?" He belatedly realized that he should probably answer.

"Yes." His voice was tight, he could hardly catch his breath. Sam had been found; he was dead. He was about to arrange a funeral. It was all that passed his mind in the few seconds that it took for Charlie to continue speaking.

"We got a call from a hospital in Lawrence a little over an hour ago," she started, and Gabe could almost imagine how she was looking or what she was doing. “There was a John Doe admitted to their hospital almost two months ago. He was suffering from severe wounds and had problems with his memory. There was very little that they could do but keep him in." She fell silent for a little while. "Said person is still there, but now, he has started remembering. They did check missing persons, but the match wasn't made for some reason."

"Is it Sam?"

"Yes Gabriel, it's Sam. We got a picture sent in from them, and he is a perfect match. We found him. We finally found him."

 

It took Gabriel less than an hour to get dressed and drive over to the hospital. The police were already there to check out and keep watch, get Sam's statement, whatever it was. Blood was pumping through his veins faster than should probably be possible as he got through traffic.

The hospital was, as all hospitals were, white and crowded. Charlie was waiting for him downstairs. She was smiling; for the first time in the year that he had been in contact with her, she was actually smiling. She looked tired as hell, but well, he probably did too.

"He's in room 5007," she said with a slight smile. "They are in his room right now, taking his statement, but if you want, you can go in the second they come out. I arranged it with them. Now, his doctor will want to speak to you first, I have no idea about what. I’ll point you to him."

The doctor told him his current medical state. Hearing that there was a chance that Sam wouldn't remember Gabriel completely or that there would be gaps in his memory was harder on him than he though, and for the wrong reasons. He was so damn glad that he could have his fiancé again, that he could be there for him again.

It took the police officers half an hour to get out of the room. Gabriel went through three cups of coffee and was pacing through the waiting quarters after counting all the tiles in the floor - about 500 - and the patients waiting to be treated - 23. That was when Charlie finally came in and got him.

"Here we go," she said with a smile, knocking on the door and motioning him to stay outside. "Sam? I know that you are tired, but are you up for one more visitor?" Hearing the reply was like hearing angels sing.

"If I have to." The voice was still the same, it was still his Sammy, his Sasquatch. Oh god, even after a year he still sounded the same as before.

"Okay, I'll send him in. Again, same here. If you want him out, you can just say so. He'll listen, I think." Charlie motioned him in. Nevertheless, Gabriel stayed frozen in the door. He could see Sam now. He was still as tall and lanky; he was still the Adonis that he had been before. He was still his Sammy.

"Sam?" he whispered, not even noticing the tears running running over his cheeks until he spoke. His words breaking halfway through. "Sammy?"

"Gabe." There was a new light in his eyes. "I, I remember you." Sam's voice wasn't a lot louder than Gabriel's. "You made me remember everything."

His feet brought him to the bed on their own accord, Gabriel nearly collapsing next to it. "Yes. Yes, Sam it's me."

"I have missed you."

 

Two hours later, he was still in the room, sleeping in the seat next to the bed. He wouldn't let his eyes drift away from Sam, not anymore, not now that he finally had him back. It was all so surreal. For a whole year, he had missed him, missed him with every fibre in his body and now, he had him back. Back in his arms.

There were gaps in his memory, Sam had said. All he remembered was going off to work that third of October and then nothing for a whole while. Not until waking up in the hospital. Hearing Sam say those words was like a stab in the heart, but he didn't even mind.

In the morning, they called everybody. Sam called Dean himself with the phone on speaker. God. They were all so happy and exhausted. Seeing the reunion between John and Mary and Sam, it was beautiful. Beautiful in every way imaginable.

There were still gaps in his memory from before the car crash. Or at least, that was what he was told. Sam told him at night that he remembered the accident again. That he remembered taking his camera and his laptop with him into the woods and getting lost. His cell phone had died and he couldn't contact anybody. Gabriel told him not to strain himself. He wasn't ready to hear what had been up all those months of complete silence.

"You don't look too good," Sam said on the start of the second week of him being back. "You used to be, healthier."

"Missing you didn't do me any good." Sam looked at him with apology in his eyes. "No, don't bother. I just love you too much to see you go like that. For weeks, I thought you might have been murdered or anything like that."

"The police were already looking for a corpse." Sam said it like it was nothing, matter of factly. "I know. Charlie told me how you called her at five AM to see if there was any news for a long, long time."

"Yes. It will all be okay though, it will all be okay again." And for the first time in ages, he believed his own words.

 

It took Sam another week to get cleared from the hospital. Even though his body was almost healthy again, there were still things that needed to be cleared up, still wounds to be healed. Seeing Sam with his usual plaid PJ’s on again was what made him breathe a little easier and helped him sleep at night. He was becoming his Sammy again. Thank god for that.

Gabriel picked him up in his own car, letting him drive home. The car ride was pleasant. Sam’s favourite music was blasting through the speakers and for once, Gabriel didn’t say anything about how loud it was. All that was important to him in that moment was seeing his fiancé happy.

“You know, you really should have complained by now,” Sam said with a smile on his lips before turning on the interstate.

“I figured I’d let you be, this once.” He was smiling too. “You know, just for now.”

“You’re crazy, you know that? And I’m sorry, sorry for disappearing on you.” Sam couldn’t keep the sadness and apology from his eyes.

“I know, you are too.” He grinned as Sam parked the car on the driveway and they stepped outside.

The past couple of weeks, the house had been too empty, the remainders of their relationship. Now, the house looked happier again. It was like it was theirs again instead of a house filled with pain and memories.

“Welcome home Sam.”

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, thanks to my lovely sister Mulford and my beta for reading through this fic for me. Hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did writing it.


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